Oh shit! How did someone with the name Gwyneth Paltrow get so famous?
I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that her mother, Blythe Danner, was a respected film and stage actress and her father, Bruce, was a producer and director of such TV shows as "St. Elsewhere." For you kids out there, St. Elsewhere was a medical drama that could be described as a shitty version of "Grey's Anatomy" if "Grey's Anatomy" wasn't already a shitty version of "Grey's Anatomy.”
After winning an Oscar for a film that was almost as awful "The English Patient," (See "Shakespeare In Love." Actually, come to think of it, DONT SEE "Shakespeare in Love."), she moved on to such notables as "Shallow Hal", "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and "Country Strong" in which she attempted to jump start her career and become the next Taylor Swift. Unfortunately she didn't sing like that famous Taylor
As Gweneth's career took a nose dive, she appeared on the home of diva has-beens, "Glee." I guess after annoying the crap out of every other demographic, Gweneth realized she hadn't yet annoyed the crap out of tweens & gay dudes.
"Glee" didn't work so she appeared on the Grammys, singing and lying on a piano in an attempt to be the next Aretha Franklin. This didn't work, but only because if Aretha was ever caught lying on a piano, she'd break that shit in half
In her earlier days, she star-fucked Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. But eventually she “settled down” with average guy Chris Martin of Coldplay and had two children named Apple and Moses. Coldplay's depressing Emo Musak must have damaged her child-naming abilities. I mean, how do you go from a fruit to the guy who brought us the Ten Commandments? (To be fair, have you ever seen pictures of Moses? The guy did look a bit fruity.)
Reports say she will be on the cover of Harper's Bazaar, attempting to be the newest sex symbol of our generation. Unfortunately for Paltrow, it's March 2012 Harper's and not the March 1998 Harper's.
Finally, when you’re talking about Paltrow you have to mention her god awful website GOOP. The site, from what I can make of it, primarily exists to make poor people feel bad about themselves. GOOP, if you didn’t know, gives tips on how to sustain an obnoxiously healthy lifestyle for you and your family for somewhere around $190,000 a day. If she were alive today I think even Marie Antoinette would call Paltrow out-of touch. As for me, I’d just prefer to GOOP on Gweneth for creating such an awful pretentious site.
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