Greg Kelly

Riddle- When is a rape not a rape?
Answer- When the accused rapist is the son of a police commissioner.

That's right folks. The man who currently co-hosts the Fox tv show "Good Day New York" has just squeaked out of a
potentially sticky situation.Greg Kelly, son of the New York City police commissioner Ray Kelly, is the person of interest here.
Apparently some deranged stalker decided to audition for a role in Fatal Attraction 2 by reporting to the police that Mr. Kelly
raped and impregnated her at an office party. But since she never got around to telling anyone about it for a few months, the
charges have been dropped. There seems to be evidence of some canoodling however. Not to worry- Daddy Ray will make it all
go away. Kind of like the way he disappears the  records of his "stop and frisk"  and racial profiling programs.

But let's give Greg Kelly his due. His experience as a marine jet pilot and as an imbedded war journalist make him eminently qualified
to command a Today show clone. Why at any time he may be called upon to take an intrepid stab at preparing deviled eggs or
to make an a valiant speculation about which starlet is sleeping with Aston Kutcher. And of course it doesn't hurt that is father is Ray Kelly.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh shit!  How did someone with the name Gwyneth Paltrow get so famous?

I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that her mother, Blythe Danner, was a respected film and stage actress and her father, Bruce, was a producer and director of such TV shows as "St. Elsewhere." For you kids out there, St. Elsewhere was a medical drama that could be described as a shitty version of "Grey's Anatomy" if "Grey's Anatomy" wasn't already a shitty version of "Grey's Anatomy.”

After winning an Oscar for a film that was almost as awful "The English Patient," (See "Shakespeare In Love." Actually, come to think of it, DONT SEE "Shakespeare in Love."), she moved on to such notables as "Shallow Hal", "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and "Country Strong" in which she attempted to jump start her career and become the next Taylor Swift.  Unfortunately she didn't sing like that famous Taylor. She sang more like another famous Taylor- Former NY Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor.

As Gweneth's career took a nose dive, she appeared on the home of diva has-beens, "Glee."  I guess after annoying the crap out of every other demographic, Gweneth realized she hadn't yet annoyed the crap out of tweens & gay dudes.

"Glee" didn't work so she appeared on the Grammys, singing and lying on a piano in an attempt to be the next Aretha Franklin. This didn't work, but only because if Aretha was ever caught lying on a piano, she'd break that shit in half

In her earlier days, she star-fucked Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck.  But eventually she “settled down” with average guy Chris Martin of Coldplay and had two children named Apple and Moses. Coldplay's depressing Emo Musak must have damaged her child-naming abilities.  I mean, how do you go from a fruit to the guy who brought us the Ten Commandments? (To be fair, have you ever seen pictures of Moses?  The guy did look a bit fruity.)

Reports say she will be on the cover of Harper's Bazaar, attempting to be the newest sex symbol of our generation.  Unfortunately for Paltrow, it's March 2012 Harper's and not the March 1998 Harper's.

Finally, when you’re talking about Paltrow you have to mention her god awful website GOOP.  The site, from what I can make of it, primarily exists to make poor people feel bad about themselves.  GOOP, if you didn’t know, gives tips on how to sustain an obnoxiously healthy lifestyle for you and your family for somewhere around $190,000 a day.  If she were alive today I think even Marie Antoinette would call Paltrow out-of touch.  As for me, I’d just prefer to GOOP on Gweneth for creating such an awful pretentious site.

Andrew Cuomo

At first glance one would think that Andrew Cuomo is a clone of his celebrated father Mario, renowned governor of New York  from 1983 to 1994. Mario was the champion of popular causes and was thought to be a contender in the 1992 presidential race but demurred, perhaps because of  rumored mafia connections. (Mario's pick of a bloody horse's head as his running mate probably didn't help dispel the rumors)

Although Andrew looks and sounds like his prominent dad, this clone  has the similitude of Number 4 in the film "Multiplicity", where clones of Michael Keaton became paler and shittier as their number increased. (Sorry to anyone who hasn't seen that Michael Keaton movie, but the analogy just doesn't work with "Beetlejuice.")

 From the beginning, Mario's spawn Andrew  has been on the fast track to success, serving as an assistant district attorney, lawyer at a prestigious law firm, and head of HUD during the Clinton administration, where he promoted Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac (and we all know how that went). He even married a Kennedy, whom he later dumped. (To be fair, marrying & f**king over a Kennedy has become a rite of passage in any fledgling political career.  (See Arnold Schwarzenegger)

His election as New York Attorney General elevated his career and empowered the Democratic party to force the beleaguered  African -American and  visually challenge incumbent governor  David Patterson  out the door to make way for Andrew, which, by the way, also ended Saturday Night Live's hilarious Fred Armisen impression (A bigger tragedy in my book.  SNL's funny batting average has been pretty low lately)

 As governor, while pretending to be a man of the people, he is actually the darling of the fat-cats on Wall Street, which  is important, because Wall Street really needs a politician that defends their interests all costs..  So congrats Gov Andrew Cuomo, son of  Gov Mario Cuomo.  I haven't seen such a nepotistic political dynasty from a dude named Mario since Super Mario Bros’ Luigi was appointed to ambassador to Luxembourg.