John Wilkes Booth

John Wilkes Booth was most famous for the assassination of one of our greatest presidents, Abraham Lincoln.  

Booth was a Confederate sympathizer and an opponent of the abolition of slavery.  Also, judging by the photos, he was also an opponent of hair brushes & moustache combs.

Aha!  But again nepotism rears it's ugly head.  Booth was the son of the Junius Brutus Booth, a noted Shakespearean actor.  (For you young folks out there, a current example of a Shakespearean actor is the old gay dude who plays Magneto in the X Men movies.)

Anyway, many say Booth’s shooting of Lincoln was a desperate act by a man with a faltering career. A less talented actor son of a well respected thespian who lashed out to get national attention.  (I bet Charlie Sheen’s ears are burning right now)

The assassination did work to some degree.  Booth's knowledge of Ford Theater and his famous leap onto the stage after killing Lincoln garnered worldwide publicity.   The image of the assassination soon went viral.  (Of course, there was no You Tube in 1865, so by viral I meant “spread cholera.”)

 Never  before were so many people so memorized by such an atrocity. Was kinda like a 19^th Century “Jersey Shore.”

Unfortunately, Booth was hoping to receive many more acting offers after the leap, but he didn't. He was killed by a Union soldier soon after the assassination.  Of course, as every Hollywood agent will tell you, that unless you're Tupac, being dead really tends to slow your career trajectory.

Like this one...

Tori Spelling

Tori Spelling!  Now that's a gifted actress for you.  No matter that her father, Aaron, was one of the richest men in Hollywood and had a house larger than some Eastern European countries.  All from creating such forgettable shows like Beverly Hills 90210, The Love Boat & and T.J. Hooker.  T.J Hooker, by the way, miraculously beat the Priceline commercials as the most embarrassing thing William Shatner has ever done.

Dad Aaron Spelling even gave Tori a starring role on 90210, where in most scenes, she was out acted by Luke Perry's sideburns.

Now that her acting career is mostly on hold (thankfully), Tori and her husband, Dean, are following Rick Santorum's advice and giving up birth control.

She does have one TV gig, though.  Tori & her husband star in the reality show about their family. The show's name is Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood.  A better title would have been "Spoiled  Anorexic Yenta & Vapid Canadian Who Refuses To Wear Condoms."

  And I'm sure she gets to be a stay-at-home mom when she chooses.  No job with regular hours for this princess.  I heard her hero was Ann Romney, Mitt's wife, who "chose" to stay home and raise her five sons.  Well, at least she's admitted she's pro-choice.  Her husband cannot even make a choice (Except the choice to look kinda douchey) 

So give it up for Tori Spelling, who has Aaron Spelling's blood and apparently, a plastic surgeon who seems to specialize in making faces look uber-cunty.

Kate Hudson

No!   Kate Hudson was not a descendent of Henry Hudson. Perhaps you thought she was famous Rock Hudson's daughter.  (If you did, Google “Rock Hudson’s sex life” and you’ll find out quickly it was biologically impossible for this dude to procreate.)

Maybe the fact that her mother is Goldie Hawn from the unfunny 1960's 'Laugh-In' and a series of very average movies for over thirty years had some influence. Not familiar with Hawn? Then rent Hawn flick 'Overboard' or better yet, put on TBS at 3AM any day of the week and it’ll be on.

 Goldie eventually moved in with Kurt Russell (Overboard co-star), who Kate considers her actual father.  A talentless actress raised by two huge movie stars and given the key to fame in Hollywood. (The worst part is, I’ll be saying same thing  about Shiloh Jolie-Pitt or Suri Cruise in the year 2024.)

In the last decade, after a promising start in ‘Almost Famous’, Hudson starred in a never-ending precession of awful Rom-Coms such as "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days", "My Best Friend's Girl", and "Bride Wars". Some of these movies also starred the talentless, shirtless pothead freak Matt Mcconaughey. (Not exactly sure which ones, but I’m too lazy to check on IMDB, so just trust me.) 

Also Hudson’s reverse Midas touch extended to the world of sports.  She dated Alex Rodriguez, 3^rd basemen for the NY Yankees. Years ago, A-Rod was an incredible 'five tool' player & future Hall Of Famer.  After just a few months with Hudson,  A-Rod was exposed as a 'roid head, and became a player who chokes so much in big game situations, the Yankees actually trained their first base coach on how give the Heimlich Maneuver.  A-Rod is no longer a  'five tool' player, he’s just a plain tool.  

 Nice going Kate Hudson.  Or should I just call you Kate Hawn Russell Jr?

Says It All...

Mia Farrow

I'm going to start off in a positive vein.  I believe Mia Farrow far surpasses Diane Keaton in the variety and depth of her roles in Woody Allen's movies.  To compare her performances in "Broadway Danny Rose" and "Hannah and Her Sisters", for example,explains it all.

However, she wasn't exactly un-connected in Hollywood.  Her father John Farrow, was an acclaimed director.  Her mother Maureen O'Sullivan was the original Jane in Tarzan movies.

John and Maureen had seven children together.   They reared them in a very traditional Roman Catholic home.  I guess that's why Mia picked Frank Sinatra, almost thirty years her senior to be her first husband.  After all, he had once won the Catholic Father of the Year Award.  That was right before he left his wife to screw Ava Gardner.  Talk about Woody Allen and young girls.

From Frank she moved on to the famous composer, Andre Previn, whose wife Dory wrote a scathing book about how Mia broke up her marriage.  A young vixen.

With a couple of days with nothing to do, she moved in with Woody Allen, with whom she did have one biological child as well as touring the world to find other children to adopt.  After all, there were no needy children in this country, who might have benefitted from millionaire parents. 

Apparently, she was the role model for the adopted daughter, that eventually married Woody.  After all, she only married old men.  She just forgot to marry Mr. Allen because her religious up-bringing didn't mention anything about "living in sin." 

As they say, "What goes around cums (I mean comes) around."

Girls. More Like Daddy's Girls...

Not mine.  But love this...